Unexpected Feelings

As mentioned in my earlier post, I am now living in a town that I swore (yes, I swore) I would never live in. I've been here about 5 weeks now and I have learned some very unexpected, and unwelcome, things about myself. I am prejudiced and a snob.

My background. I grew up as a good little white girl who went to church every Sunday and Wednesday. My parent's weren't rich, but my brother and I didn't lack anything. If you ask my mom, she might tell you that when I was a kid I complained that I didn't have all the cool toys like my friends at school, but in hindsight we grew up quite blessed. The rule at home was basically you obey the rules, you do what's right, you follow God and you can basically do what you want. This worked great for my brother and me (not counting sibling squables and fights, of course :)) My whole life I've been a reader (thanks Dad for passing that on!), sadly I read mostly christian romance novels. This reading material encouraged my romantic tendancies. By the time I was 12 or so, I was convinced I was going to become a country doctor (anyone ever watch 'Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman'? I was going to be her.) Anyway, I was going to go live in the Ozark mountains and minister to the poor and needy right here in America. Well, along the way, as us romantics are prone to do, I fell in love with a boy and my dream of being Medicine Woman went out the window. Fastforward a few years, now I am 28, happily married and living in surburbia. The only thing is that this surburbia looks nothing like what I grew up in. I am surrounded by people with mullets (no joke), smokers, drinkers, swearing like sailors, dirty people. (If any of my family members are reading this, I'm sorry if I've offended you - that is not my intent at all).

I don't want to shop in this city, I don't want to socialize in this city, and I certainly don't want to grow where I've been planted in this city. My fear: that I'm going to become one of "them". And yes, in my heart I do mean that exactly as it sounds. Horrible. The Lord, in His incredible wisdome (and humor I might add) gave me a picture the other day. In this picture I was sitting on my porch and He came and sat next to me - he flashed me a picture of the Ozark Mountains and the people who live there - and then He showed me a picture of the people I now find myself living amongst. And He smirked at me. He smirked. There was such gentleness though in His face. Obviously He's right, and I need Him to change this in me. But how does one love swearing, smoking, drinking, mullett wearing people without herself becoming one of them?

On another note, which I so needed to hear from the Lord today. I was thinking of the verse in the Bible about seeing through a glass darkly. And it dawned on me - on the days that I feel the MOST loved by God, what I'm feeling is only a glimmer of His full feelings for me. I only feel His love, and see His love, through a glass darkly. I can't even imagine love more powerful that what took place on Calvary - but if what we see is through a glass darkly then what does the full measure of His love look like? What does if feel like? What happens to us when we experiance it to the fullest?

Open our eye's Lord, clear the fog away so we can see You clearly. Amen.